The Mother’s Day celebrations are over now, and it feels like the right time to finally to tell this story. I’ve already written pieces of it in my head, in texts to loved ones, and in the notes on my phone. I wasn’t sure when I’d tell it, but I was sure that I would because storytelling is my way of healing. It’s also a way I give power to my story, knowing that telling it may empower others in their own, whatever those stories are.

Even after I’d decided I would tell it, I wondered how? Would I make a video? Write a poem? Share a blog? But the thought of sitting in front of a camera made me feel sick, and I agonized too deeply over the poetry I would write. So, I decided to write a blog. This blog.

In the past, Mother’s Day hasn’t been as important to me. I always found it weird to celebrate such important women in my life once a year, especially when mothers may not be a celebrated topic for some, but it’s so important to my mom so I’ve always celebrated it with her. There was a point that I thought I might share this on Mother’s Day, but this year I needed a day to simply celebrate motherhood in its many shapes for my own healing.

And now here we are. This is my story.

TRIGGER WARNING: This story talks about loss, grief, and miscarriage and may be triggering to some readers.

This story actually begins in the Winter of 2017 when I met Josh. For so many years I’d agonized over the mother I could be but struggled to be that mother. A huge part of why I struggled so was because I didn’t believe in myself, and Josh opened my eyes to all that I had to offer. He helped heal parts of me that had existed since my childhood. I carried childhood trauma that made me question whether I would ever be able to keep my children safe. I doubted my abilities to be a better role model than some of the people around me I grew up with. He helped me see the healed parts of myself and reminded me that they were gifts that could be shared with others. He is a big reason that I began working with youth.

When I first met Josh, I told him that I would never have more children. He was okay with that. But the more my love for him and myself grew, the more I felt sure I wanted to have a family with him. I think Josh always hoped that I might change my mind but, when I did, he wasn’t ready to have a baby yet. There were many nights that longing filled my heart and I would cry for the family I wanted to have with him one day. Sunita teased us, too. She wanted a baby sister. Everything was always going to fall into place eventually.

It was in one of those tear filled nights that we decided that it was almost time to have more children. We made a plan. We were so close to buying a place to call our own and we decided to start trying when we had a place in mind. Sadly, our prospective home fell through in late March. On April 5th I found out I was pregnant. I cleaned and saved the test so that I could give it to my mom on Mother’s Day.

Josh was out of town working on a canoe in the woods, and when I couldn’t reach him right away I started to panic. I called my friend Talia in a wave of emotions: fear, excitement, uncertainty, pure joy. “This isn’t apart of the plan,” I said and she reminded me that there is no perfect plan and not to let that take away from something I’ve wanted for so long. Immediately the tears became tears of only joy. When Josh phoned me back, I could hear the joy in his voice too. We were so excited to be parents. We made a new plan and started to talk about all the baby things that expectant parents talk about. I thought about how this baby was conceived in March, the anniversary month of losing my dad, and how the due was in late November near my dad’s birthday. I felt this baby represented my connection to him in a magical way, as if he sent me an angel.

I’m always a bit of a private person at first. We told very few people. I only told my sister Geraldine, and my friends Talia and Keisha in the beginning. One morning, I called my sister Cora to share the news. She squealed in excitement and I was elated. That morning, I had back to back meetings online and had a hard time concentrating because of those magical feelings that everything was coming together the way it was meant to. After my meetings were done, I felt restless and it was a beautiful day so I asked Josh if we could go for a walk. But before we left, I went to the bathroom and there was a little bit of spotting.

I tried so hard not to panic, but I did. I wanted to go to the hospital so Josh drove us there. They wouldn’t let him come in with me because of social distancing restrictions. I spent 7 hours alone in Emergency getting tests and waiting for someone to give me answers. The last test I got was an ultrasound and I knew exactly how far along I was—7 weeks and 3 days. I knew I would be able to hear the heartbeat and as soon as I did that everything would make sense and I would feel better.

There was no heartbeat and the placenta was too small for them to accurately assess. Too small? My heart dropped into my stomach. I knew that the placenta was only the size of about 5 weeks. That didn’t make sense. I rationalized—maybe I misdated, maybe my cycle was off that month, maybe they’ve made a mistake.

The doctor sent me home with inconclusive results and told me I’d have to continue getting blood tests so they could either confirm that the pregnancy was going to continue or that I was going to have a miscarriage. I’ll never forget that feeling. I’m sure that was when my heart started breaking.

But nonetheless, I let myself hope because those moments gave me strength. My friend Keisha became my doula and helped us find a midwife the next day. I had a whole support team as we waited for the blood tests to come back. Josh and I went into the woods and said a prayer. I dipped my feet in the river as he brushed me off with cedar. We asked Creator to give us the strength to accept whatever journey lay ahead for us. We watched as the cedar bough was carried away by the river. All of this helped with what was to come next.

I had a miscarriage. It’s still so hard to say and to think about what I went through when the miscarriage did come. I bled, experienced painful cramps and had hormonal breakouts all over my face. I couldn’t bare to look at myself in the mirror and I felt like my body betrayed me. I still do sometimes. I continued getting bloodwork done and had an ultrasound appointment too, knowing I wasn’t going to have a baby but making sure that the miscarriage was healthy. Healthy. It still doesn’t quite make sense to me. Even when the miscarriage ended, I was left with this empty feeling in my womb. It felt similar to the feeling that comes after you give birth, but with no baby to hold in your arms. The whole experience was painful and uncomfortable, but the most excruciating thing was that my body was going through all of this while I was trying to grieve. It was a reminder every day of what I lost: The dream of a new adventure with someone I love very much.

Keisha suggested that Josh and I build a nest while we went through this together. Josh built me the perfect nest with two memory foam pillows and a heat pad. Geraldine sent us food, my midwife harvested stinging nettle for us, and Josh did whatever he could. I watched all 10 seasons of Friends rarely leaving my bed. Sometimes pictures of expectant or new moms brought feelings of hope once again. Other times, I felt a pang of envy throughout me. There were moments I felt like the ancestors left me, angry that they didn’t do more to protect the life growing inside me. Other times, I felt the magic of the journey. Some people hate the words “it happened for a reason,” but those words brought comfort and acceptance. I brewed tea that helped me feel more grounded and connected to my spirit.

There were so many pieces to this journey, but one thing that stands out to me is how much I wanted my mom. I avoided her calls, texts and messages for a couple of weeks because I wasn’t ready to let go of my dream fully. I still had the pregnancy test in the bathroom cupboard. That was never the way I wanted to tell her, but when I finally did I felt supported and empowered in my journey. It gave me the strength to move forward.

Telling my mom is what gave me the strength to tell my story. I started by telling a couple of friends and one of them offered me gifts of healing that I needed. She acknowledged how hard it is and said, “the moment you see those positive lines, you start imagining the possibilities for the little life inside you.” She also shared that it was okay to imagine every what if? so that I could grieve them and then accept that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t realize how much I blamed myself until then.

I listened to a miscarriage meditation that said something along the lines of, “Your journey is your own, but know that you are part of a greater healing that’s taking place in the world.” I was surprised to learn just how many others have experienced miscarriage and how common it really is. I never got the Mother’s Day I wished for, but I hope this story can help lift some of the stigma that might exist for others, remove some of the shame they might carry, and remind them that they aren’t alone.

Photo taken at the place of prayer.

I’ve tried to write this blog post so many times before. The more I tried, the more impossible it felt. I experienced so much pain and before I even had time to heal more pain would come. It felt as though the world was laughing at me, mocking me, rooting for my failure each time I stood up and fell down again. I felt like I was constantly disappointing those around me, and not being able to write this blog post was just another way I was doing that.

Something that helped me get through my writer’s block in the past was the understanding that you need experience to colour your words, so I would patiently go out and experience life knowing that the ink would flow eventually. This time was different. This time no matter how many beautiful experiences life offered me, I still felt this darkness inside myself. Despite the love and joy I would experience, when I would try to write all I could think of was the heaviness in my heart.

When my dad passed away over a year ago, I threw myself into everything. I gave myself away until there was nothing left for me. I experienced an inevitable burnout and emptiness. It was not long ago that I sat with myself pondering why, despite all the gifts I’d received in the past few years, I still felt empty. And then I realized, I had not taken a single moment to be proud of myself, my accomplishments, and the strength that carried me through all the pain because the person I wanted to be proud of me the most was not here to tell me. I’d lost my father, but nothing hurt as much as when I lost my spirit pretending I didn’t feel that pain. And finally, I was able to write again, embracing both the light and darkness. I began to embrace life fully.

I would like to share that experience with you through poetry.
I dedicate this to all of you who’ve stood with me through the pain, to the people on sidelines cheering me on, to those who’ve sat quietly believing in me, and, most importantly, to myself for always finding my way back.

___________________________________________________

My heart,
It is broken,
Like it has been broken so many times before
Trying to create a world that I believe in.
I have had doors closed in my face
While the walls are closing in on the person
I am only pretending to be,
A puzzle piece that fits into a society
That I don’t believe in,
A toy for others to play with.
But luckily, I have a strong heart
That beats a song that my ancestors used to sing,
Reminding me that I am resilient.
I hear them whispering in the moments
I am paralyzed with fear
“Don’t give up, just breathe
Because all these things are happening,
But they are happening for a reason,
And we are here.”
When it all becomes too much,
I sit alone with no one to comfort me,
Giving up who I am so that someone else
Won’t have to feel this pain,
Trying to convince myself that
This is what solidarity means,
And in the silence I feel my dad’s arms
Wrap around me,
He tells me, “It’s okay honey,
Because you feel what’s real in a world
Where people are afraid to feel anything.”
These voices speak louder than any demons,
But only when I listen,
So I listen
To my heart, to my soul, to my spirit
That calls me back home to myself
Time and time again.
Can you hear them? Because I do.
I hear them in the kind acts of strangers
That happen in the moments I feel like giving up,
And when I tell myself I’m not good enough
They fill me with love and the tender touch
Of someone who says, “I am proud of you.”
It is enough truth for me to find my own,
To share it with the world,
The one that I believe in,
So I keep speaking, speaking, speaking
My truth like medicine
Removing old band-aids to give the wounds
Enough air to really heal,
Until I am finally able to cry
Rivers dancing with fallen tears
That remind me
I am still here.

I first learned of Frida Kahlo in Women Studies class in grade 12, almost a decade ago. I instantly fell in love with her, admiring her creativity, feminism, sexuality, art – her expression of self. A lot of people don’t know Frida the poet, but it’s hard to ignore that even her being was undeniably poetic.

The way she talked about love, too, inspired me. I enjoyed the way it seemed she could get lost in love with most anything. She expressed her passions in a way I wished I could mine as they quietly stirred inside me.

She was in love with the philandering artist, Diego Rivera. I could see the enchantment of two political artists in love, however, their ‘love story’ was plagued with alcoholism, infidelity and tragedy. It was the kind of all-consuming love that makes lovers want to possess one another. For all her magnificence, she was foolish. This made her so humanly relatable to me.

At the time, driven by the naïveté of adolescence, I romanticized their relationship (as many people do.) Metaphorically, I was Frida. I was battling a chronic illness that I numbed with alcohol. I desperately yearned for someone I could share my creative expression with, or even the dark corners of my soul. I so badly wanted to be accepted by another person for all my imperfection and to be consumed by the madness of love.

When it finally happened for me, it was more than I ever could have idealized.

The beginning of my epic love story begins with me. I remember the first time I began to feel comfortable with loving myself: it was the last session of art therapy for sexual abuse victims I would take before going out into the world to face my demons with the new tools I’d learned for coping. I told myself, “I can do this!”

I wasn’t nearly as ready as I thought I was in that liberating moment. I got knocked down plenty with barely enough time to pick myself up and regain my balance before getting knocked down again. It was almost a false sense of accomplishment for a while. I still drank. I still stood in front of the mirror hating myself.

The healing journey takes time.

A lot happened between then and the moment my partner, Josh, walked into my life.

I met Josh on November 4th, 2016 at a friend’s birthday. I’d been sober for less than a year and was slowly making my way in the world. I was okay doing that on my own and okay with accepting help when I needed it, too. I felt that spiritual sense of ‘purpose’ in life and found it increasingly easier to share with others.

His energy was magnetic to me. I wanted to wrap myself up in him instantly. I didn’t. We spent weeks being ‘friends,’ which was more like a platonic relationship of lovers if I’m being honest. Thoughts and feelings of him consumed me in the most delightful of ways. I wanted to know more, feel more. I resisted because I was afraid of what it might mean if I gave myself to another. What if I’m less me?

After a few weeks of courtship, poetry, and spiritual conversation, I finally gave in to myself with a preconceived notion that we spoke to each other’s souls; It reached a point that I knew it’d be more foolish to deny us that than it would be to succumb to the divine feeling of the love between us.

Only a few months later, barely given the chance to enjoy the newness of our relationship, my dad fell ill. Josh’s arms were there to tenderly hold me while I wept the plenty of nights leading up to his death. He wrapped me in an intimacy of love that people only experience with someone they’ve known their whole lives.

Who I was the day he came into my life is nothing compared to who I am now. He changed my life. I don’t say that with the unrealistic expectation that I couldn’t have done it myself or that I owe him everything, but every experience always seems more beautiful with him by my side. I’ve been so hard on myself, and though I don’t need his gentle guidance, I welcome and appreciate it.

He grounds me with his dependability, and I move him with my adventurousness. We’re both artists, so different from each other like Frida and Diego. Unlike them, our love is free, not suffocating. It says, “I have a choice and someone to hold my hand down whichever path it takes us,” and the life we create is a vibrant masterpiece of our togetherness. We are bound by our love for art, culture, social justice, poetry and, of coarse, each other.

Frida Kahlo said,

“Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic.”

I did.

But what’s more is that every day we wake up and make the sober choice to love each other, and if that isn’t magic, I don’t know what is.

The tragedies are the ones we will face together.

I’ve worn disguises in shame of my own flesh and blood,

And masks while I laughed at jokes at my expense

Making me uncomfortable

in my own skin.

I’ve undressed myself of strength to fit in with the same society

Who taught me it was okay for others to use and abuse me—

Mentally, Emotionally and Physically—

to sexualize my body.

I was stripped of pride and mocked by “Indians” dancing around me

Until naked, crippled and breathless with only a fragment of spirit left

And nothing but burning flesh

to comfort me.

It was then, in my time of need, my ancestors came to me,

Reminding me of my dignity, dressing me in their resilience

And cloaking me in our traditions;

sharing supernatural gifts.

I wasn’t wearing shoes but I felt Mother Earth beneath my feet,

Just enough to stand my ground and wear my culture proudly.

The wind entered my lungs and I yelled,

my spirit talking loud:

I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS

I DESERVE RESPECT AND JUSTICE

WHO I AM IS MY RESISTANCE

I AM NOT A COSTUME!

 

 

 

WE WILL NEVER BE FOUND EMPTY HANDED

AS OUR FINGERS WRAP AROUND IDEAS

AND OUR HANDS CARRY CREATION

Excerpt from ‘The Canvas, The Art, The Artist’

                                                                                                  

Last month I celebrated my second published piece when C Magazine launched their autumn issue, ‘Voice.’ It was a collaboration with artist and friend, Jeneen Frei Njootli, offering a poetic response to her piece ‘red roses and lidii.’ I’ve always considered myself a shy person (though others disagree with me). If you ever told me in the past that one day I’d be celebrating my poetry publicly, I wouldn’t have believed you. 

Poetry is raw. It’s emotions spilled out on paper. It’s words when the words escape you. I felt safe knowing that mine was tucked away in my journal where no one else would read it. But how else can you describe an encounter with art — a piece of someone’s being? Truthfully, you can’t. Yet, somehow, responding to art with art seemed the most appropriate way.

The language of the soul.

It is great irony that the title of this issue should be called ‘Voice.’ In working on this project I found a little more of mine and I can speak my truth a lot louder now. 

Get your copy at cmagazine.com/issues/135.